With All My Love, Mom

I’m starting this letter today for you both but maybe a little for myself, as a sort of release of feelings of joy and sadness, locked up in this slightly crazy, yet beautiful soul of mine 🙂 Well maybe not a release of these feelings, but a sharing of them, with you both, my most cherished.  You two are all grown up now, mostly.  Even so, I still see those happy, quirky, little boys who find most of their joy through Legos, Matchbox cars, Rocket Power and face paint.  Life has been a whirlwind of joy mixed with a little anxiety watching the two of you grow up and become the young men you are today.  Anxiety mostly caused by my own insecurities in parenting when you were younger to the “what did I do wrong to cause them to do this?” anxiety as you’ve grown older.

You know, I think sometimes that it would be great if I could show you my heart so you could see (not just imagine) that with virtually every decision I’ve made for the past 20 years, you have been the #1 consideration.  How will this impact the kids?  What will I do if they react badly to this?  Will they LOVE this or what?  Do you think they will be crazy excited to get this <insert Disney trip, trampoline, video game, bike, car>?  You are constantly on my mind and now at this time in our lives when you are almost grown, I fear, “What role will I play in their lives now that they don’t need me as much?”

My heart is so full of love for you both.  This is true even when we’re not getting along so well.  If we didn’t annoy each other, I would venture to guess that would mean we didn’t care as much a we do about each other.  At least that’s how I come to terms with it.  I’m not a hands off parent, as you well know.  I like to know what’s going on in your lives and so I ask A LOT of questions.  It’s in my nature and I do it because I’m interested, not nosy. There will come a time, when we don’t “talk” on a daily basis and it will be difficult for me. You have been my life for so long and letting go, even just a little at a time, is and will be hard.

I don’t want you to see me as this fragile mother who cries at the drop of a hat when something joyous or something scary happens.  I’m not fragile.  I’m actually pretty strong. Just think about all of the things I’ve endured and you’ll realize that this mom of yours has carried a lot, to the point of having a serious “pump” LOL.   This thing I’m writing about, this love, this transition, it just that.  It’s change and it’s letting go a little and it’s hard.  The  part of me that still sees you climbing the cherry tree in the front yard, is holding on with all her might.  The part of me that sees how much you’ve grown into caring, respectful, intelligent, driven young men, is ready to let go a little.  It’s just that the cherry tree part of me is a little stronger right now.  All will happen in time.

With all my love, mom